Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.
Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.
How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.
Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.
Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.
“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store, wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.
Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.
Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.
Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter.
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There are a lot of eyes in Debra Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy peepers are there, staring at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after 17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough.
Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!) You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be prepared...
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My rating: 4 of 5 stars
So, I didn't really know anything specific about this going into it. Most of the comments that I read about it were basically WTF without actual details. Now, that I've read it, I'd say most readers are probably just stunned speechless by the time they finish. Fire Down Below is basically every gross body function and embarrassing situation known to man all gathered into one book. I had to take breaks while reading. Sometimes I felt gaggy, but mostly I was laughing so hard my stomach muscles needed a break.
First off, the entire cast are lovable, bumbling idiots. They're so vulgar and some are so shockingly shameless. It's sort of like a Dickhouse, Broken Lizard, Nation Lampoon mashup geared toward women.
"Sausage and boobs, fantastic. Go at it, ladies. I've got enough grease on my hands and chest to lube us all up."
The story centers around Dove Glitch and her friends. Most of the cast live in her apartment building. Every person in this book is a social reject. They can't take a step without tripping, or an anvil falling from the sky, or shit (as in feces) coming into the picture. Seriously, human body functions and issues are always popping up, as well as weird neighbors and random naked body parts.
"Hey, girl, I have a massive zit I need you to pop.""Your dick's out again.""It was air drying. You need to let a dick breathe. Underwear is jail."
Ha. Ha. Just reading that quote made me start chuckling again. Duke is off the chain. <3 Prepare yourself. Gotta say, the big goof is awesome and my favorite character.
So, mostly it's teenage boy humor scene after scene, farts and giggles, but there is a bit of the sexy too. ;)
"Great. I gave you unwanted anal. That's what I get for reading all those sexual expertise books."
Actually, I didn't realize until a ways into the book that there is a deeper storyline sneaking it's way in. Matters of the heart do make an appearance. I'm not going to discuss it though so it can creep on you also.
I had the most fun reading this, and I definitely plan to read the next installment.
P.S. I love the Harry Potter references. :D
P.S. I love the Harry Potter references. :D
4+ letting it all hang out stars